I'm excited to share this book excerpt from Life Lessons for the Adult Child: Transforming A Challenging Childhood with you all. Judy was kind enough to show me her rough manuscript of this book before it was published -- and now the book exists...in print!...for all to read.

You may remember reading my interview with Judy, who so inspires me in this work to improve and grow, and to help others do the same.

Since it's just been released, you can only buy it via South African sites, but it'll soon be on Amazon.com -- and I'll post an update when that happens.

You can buy overseas from KALAHARI, an online bookseller in SA (they ship internationally).

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Now, here's a taste of Life Lessons for the Adult Child: Transforming A Challenging Childhood, by Judy Klipin:

Judy Klipin on Relationships -

Adult children sometimes love too much or not at all – or swing between these two extremes. Not allowing themselves to love at all manifests in a continued emotional detachment, an ability to never quite reach a level of intimacy and trust with another person that would put them in emotional danger. There may be a sustained thought that they may in fact be better off on their own. In this way they are entirely in control of their emotions and never have to worry about being vulnerable or abandoned. If they do get involved in a relationship, they may be the first to withdraw as soon as they start to feel invested and the fear of being rejected raises its head.

Barry has not had a satisfactory relationship since his wife of twelve years moved out sixteen years ago. Like his mother, his ex-wife was a functional alcoholic and he hadn’t realised (or perhaps he overlooked) the extent of her alcohol dependency until their second child started school. Their relationship limped on for a further five years, until her drinking got so extreme that Barry gave her an ultimatum. She moved out, leaving a devastated Barry to raise two traumatised children on his own. After more than twelve years of being so in love with his wife that he would not allow himself to see the truth of her destructive behaviour, Barry was a deeply wounded man. He no longer trusts himself or any woman he meets, to not hurt him again. He is a very attractive man, and has a lot going for him. Many women make it clear that they would like to pursue a relationship with him, but for Barry it is just too scary, and he very seldom goes on a third or fourth date with anyone. He is, in his own words, ‘too scared to let anyone in again’. The role of doting father is much easier for him, and this is the one into which he puts all of his energy.

"...because of their tendency to remain intensely loyal, [AC's] stay in relationships that are bad for them much longer than they should."

At the other end of the spectrum are those adult children who, because of their tendency to remain intensely loyal, stay in relationships that are bad for them for much longer than they should. Sometimes they never leave. They manage this by losing themselves in the relationship and making everything all about the other person. They make excuses for bad behaviour (just like they did with their parents) and always look for the good in their partner. Remember Melanie, who would have turned herself inside out to make her husband happy? Just like her these adult children focus on who the person they are with could be rather than who that person really is. They take what attention they can get from their partner and put up with leftovers and scraps.

"...despite being generally very intuitive and tuned into the people around them, [AC's] have a tendency to override their intuition and ignore the warnings they receive about the unsuitability of certain partners."

When it comes to themselves adult children, despite being generally very intuitive and tuned into the people around them, have a tendency to override their intuition and ignore the warnings they receive about the unsuitability of certain partners. Instead, they set about trying to change themselves into who they think their partner wants them to be, or change their partner into who they want them to be – in both instances hoping to love them into submission.

Commitment Issues Can Play Out as a "need" for Excitement -

Perhaps the most unsettling tendency in adult children and love relationships is the need for excitement. This is related to the ‘crisis-oriented living’ that Kritsberg talks about. Feelings of drama and exhilaration can make adult children feel alive and useful, while at the same time giving them an excuse to not look at their own feelings and behaviour. The need for excitement can manifest in two ways: being in primary relationship(s) with people who are dangerous and unpredictable or who are themselves in crisis (for example, they could be unhappily married, or sick, or addicts or people in trouble with the law); or having affairs in order to add a sense of danger and excitement to what may otherwise feel like a stable and, therefore scary, relationship.

Kevin is dynamic and sociable and energises whatever room he is in. Creative and dynamic, he is at the top of his game at work and has a very happy home life with a loving wife and three beautiful children. In his early forties, he has reached a place that is so stable, so safe and so containing that it far exceeds what he imagined for himself when he was a child. Raised by a chronically depressed single parent mother who had a succession of boyfriends – some more suitable than others – Kevin’s home life now is vastly different to what he grew familiar with in childhood, and it is terrifying the living daylights out of him.

‘I feel bored,’ he tells me at our first session. ‘I think I need to shake things up a bit at work.’ And shake them up he does – but not at work.

‘I’ve met someone! Candy is perfect. She is my soulmate,’ he announces within weeks.

‘I thought your wife was your soulmate?’ I ask, somewhat hesitantly.

‘Well, she is of course, but this woman is my realsoulmate. She is clever and funny, warm and wise and sexy as anything. She understands me. I have to be with her.’

Mercifully, Kevin was already in coaching and working on understanding what being an adult child means, so instead of rushing off to be with his new soulmate, he was able stay in his marriage and identify that it was his unconscious need for change, drama and excitement rather than his need for Candy that needed to be addressed.

"It can take a long time before it occurs to adult children that they can leave a relationship that is not making them happy."

It can take a long time before it occurs to adult children that they can leave a relationship that is not making them happy. Just like a child, their overriding feeling is that they need to change their own behaviour in order to improve the situation (‘If I were better, it would be better’). When their partners behave in a disappointing or dishonouring way, the adult child takes the behaviour personally (‘I am not good enough’) rather than understanding that it’s their partner who is unreliable or not good enough. Because of their fear of not being good enough, adult children often can’t understand why their partners want to be with them in the first place, and they do the eggshell walk, trying to do everything just right so that their partners do not realise what a mistake they have made by being with them. They are so busy trying not to be left that they do not consider the possibility that they may want to do the leaving.

You can also buy & download a copy of the ebook from Judy's site.